After all

It took me another whole week to gather enough courage to call the horse riding place, but I did it and on the next day I was on the back of my horse for the first time in 5 years. On the way there I must say I was feeling anxious, since I broke my elbow 8 years ago (very badly broken, they had to remove the head of one of the bones and it took month for me to move normally again, and years not to be frequently in pain. It still hurts sometimes.) I am a bit more aware of the risks if you fall. I rarely fell before then so there are no reasons for me to fall now, especially with my horse. I know her by heart, but I precisely know as well that she can just lose it! But I forgot that she got older, she is not a 5 year old baby anymore and she is a lot calmer. After a few minutes I was perfectly comfortable and beyond happy. I smiled throughout the hour, I couldn't help it. She hasn't changed a bit and it felt good, maybe that's what I was the most worried about, that I wouldn't be able to ride my own horse. I even ended the lesson by jumping which is something I hadn't done in 7 years. I didn't jump high but I did it, I felt confident enough to try. I wanted to go again before leaving but I could barely move for the next couple days - I am so desperately unfit - and now I'm pretty sick. Yesterday was spent doing literally nothing and I still felt exhausted. My body is so achy, I really hope it's not the flu!

Saddle up

This was the random activity of the day. I've been tidying and sorting out what used to be my bedroom when I was living at home for the last few days. I got rid of so much, it feels good. It is still my bedroom and I still feel at home but I like the idea that I don't really have stuff in here. I don't really know how to explain, or why it is so, but I think I like having all my possessions in one place, to know what I own and to try not to own too much (I am still working on that, especially when it comes to clothes and shoes. And books). I always loved the fact that Marilyn Monroe use to have a empty flat with a suitcase and a phone, one arm chair, always ready to go. Like Truman Capote's character in Breakfast at Tiffany's who was based on Marilyn. I know that for her it wasn't a happy thing, that she was depressed and lost and never felt at home, for me it's freedom. When I was younger if you had asked me what was my definition of freedom it would have been to just be able to go somewhere, anywhere, whenever you want to. One of my biggest fantasy is to turn up to a train station or airport and go somewhere, just like that, unplanned, just go. Maybe it's because I've always lived from flat to flat and never in my own, always ready to move after, 6 months or a years. Always ready to change country. I am still like that. If I was offered to move to another country tomorrow, I would do it. But now I also want my house, our home, to properly start our lives together, I want furniture and a telephone. I don't want to live out of a suitcase in some else's house anymore. Really a trailer would seem to be the answer to all my problems. I'm joking here, I can't help but think of Trailer Park Boys. 

All that to say that while tidying I noticed my saddle needed to be greased. I hadn't done it in years. I use to love doing it, I love leather and I love saddles as an object, I still do. It made me miss my horse terribly. She is not mine anymore and it hurts. I can't described the bond between a horse and its rider. I haven't been to see her yet though she is still where she use to be but I can't get round to do it. Last time I went I just cried. I keep saying I miss riding horses - which I do - and that if I could I would do it again. I've never been more able to do it in years, I live in the country side, I know a place I could go, 20 minutes away from the house. Still I haven't been there once. I could go and ride here too. But I'm scared. I'm not as good as I use to be, but I know what I'm doing. I'm scared of riding Kelte because my heart is already broken she is not mine anymore, I'm scared to ride another horse because they are not Kelte and it's just not the same.

I wasn't expecting to write that much at all. I hadn't realised how much I miss her and all this part of my life.

Farmers market

No need to say I spent the entirety of the market playing with the horses letting my mum run around for the actual errands. Breton work-horses are such gentle and beautiful creatures. They were all so massive, the size of their neck was absolutely ridiculous but all very curious and cuddly. Not sure why, but I instantly fell in love with the bay mare, I was ready to take her home, I didn't want to go, I felt weirdly sad leaving her. I love horses, all horses, I owned one that I decided to sell to be able to move to London as I didn't have time or money to take care of her, but once in a while there is a horse you love more than other, something I can't explain, just a feeling looking in their eyes.